Life Changes, and Luca Goes Gangnam Style

Hear that? It’s silence. Not the kind of silence that waits for a tiny stretch-grunt or sleep-sigh, or for a cry of hunger.

It’s the silence of solitude. This is the first time I have been in a different physical place from my son since he was born. Joe took him out for a little while to give me time to be alone.

Boy, how life changes. I love my son so dearly, and I’m happy I get to stay home with him. But after nearly seven weeks together, night and day, this hour or so respite comes just in time.

Some days, I just want to stay in with Luca. I don’t want to make plans; I don’t want to visit friends. I don’t feel lonely. We play; we dance; we/I do laundry. I start projects and don’t finish them. Blog posts take weeks to finish (except this one, which I started earlier in today before I knew I’d get a little me-alone time). I relish the times when Luca rests his head on my shoulder while I rock him in the Lazy Boy and sing whatever Disney or Broadway tune comes to mind. I treasure the nap times he spends on my chest, his sweet, milky breath pushing his stomach into mine over and over.

Luca "helping" with the laundry

Other days, I need an adventure—even if it’s a small one, compared to Life Before Motherhood.

Us, on Jihachul

On Friday, I braved the subway for the first time with Luca, who was safely burrowed into my Hana wrap. I’d heard the ahjummas (older Korean ladies) are ruthless on Jihachul, poking and prodding babies, and scolding mamas for not dressing infants like Eskimos—even in this humidity.

But really, it was fine. No one bothered me, other than with some interested stares and exclamations: “너무 귀엽다! 너무 예쁘다!” ; “So cute! So lovely!” On the way home later that evening, I had one lady tell me Luca should be wearing pants, but the woman next to me told me (in English) that older Korean women think babies should always be bundled. That woman was one of several friends I made on Jihachul—it’s amazing what an adorable baby will do! I got to practice some of my Korean, though I’m embarrassed by how much I’ve already forgotten. Pregnancy brain? Mama brain?

We met our friends at the Coex Mall in Gangnam, a stylish area south of the Han River (and the focus of the viral hit Gangnam Style. Have you missed it? You gotta watch it). Our matching wraps came from the business that first introduced us: Birthing in Korea, the doula center where I took my Hypnobirthing class. BIK hosts meetups each month where pregnant women and new moms connect.

This is my life now: Mommy meetups and playgroups, though playgroups, at this age, are really just another excuse for new moms to talk. There’s nothing like going through the same dramatic life change at the same time to bond people. The change truly is dramatic. THIS and THIS are what I was working on one year ago, August 24. But on August 24, 2012, I was at the Baby Fair.

Luca and Baby Tucker playing together on the changing table

And, oh, the Baby Fair.

Korea is extremely expensive. Without big-box stores like Babies-R-Us or even Target, fancy department stores are the place to find that perfect stroller or car seat. So when there’s a Baby Fair, the parents and parents-to-be flock to Gangnam for deals.

We spent a lot of time in the ultra-crowded nursing room (a cordoned off area with tables and chairs, and lined with padded tables for diaper changing).

…And we were happy to have our Hana wraps when we ran into a stroller traffic jam.

See? We can maneuver far more easily.

The rush-hour journey home had me rethinking the wisdom of the trip, but it was great to get out and remind myself that I truly can go (almost) anywhere I want with a baby in tow—especially during this sleep-all-day phase of life.
Even with Luca's frequent naps, I find little time for myself. That’s a funny concept to me right now: “myself.” Parenthood really knocks concern for self down several notches. I suppose that’s healthy, but it’s also healthy to find some time to recharge.

So, excuse me now, but thanks to Joe, I’m off to take a bath.

Luca’s Birth Story (or, Giving Birth to a Nearly 9lb Baby Au Naturale)

[Disclaimer: If you are not interested in birthing details, skip this blog. There may be moments of too much information.]

Luca was born early on the morning of July 10 after 8 hours of active labor. Drug-free, natural labor.

Would I go drug-free again with eventual baby #2?

Absolutely.

But if you asked me on Tuesday, July 10, my answer might have been different. I would have said: “I can’t even think about that right now. Too soon.”

And by “think about that,” I meant having more children at all.

But Mommy Amnesia—God’s gift to the human race—kicks in pretty quickly. A few days after the birth, the night had already gained a rosy, wistful air. It is a good memory. (Take THAT people who said every birth is a horror story!)

I remember Luca’s birth as an extremely intense experience like nothing I have ever felt in my life.

Was it painful? Of course. And beautiful.

Was it unbearable? Well, I’m still here, aren’t I?

It was amazing to know first hand how well my body was designed for such an experience—that it could open to allow life in the outside world to begin for such a wonderful creature, my son.

The day after... hence the relieved grin!

Since I wanted a calm, natural birth, I chose a birthing center with doctors, midwives and nurses who advocate natural birth, rather than a more institutional hospital with a doctor who may prefer to speed things along with drugs.

So Joe and I prepared by taking a Hypnobirthing class at a local doula center called Birthing in Korea (if you are pregnant in Korea, I highly recommend stopping in for a consultation to learn about birthing options in the country), and I hired a doula to support Joe & me through the process—and to help me stick to my drug-free goals.

Joe was an amazing birth companion and the most important person in the room, of course, but I don’t believe either of us would have been able to be nearly as calm without the support of our amazing soldier of a doula, Michelle—a fellow California girl.

And, as a bonus for me, the doula who founded Birthing in Korea (Lisa) also joined us at the hospital, to provide Michelle with some extra training. This meant I had an all-star team of three birth companions supporting me and helping me through my transition to motherhood.

On to the action:

Monday morning (my due date), I knew I would go into labor. I saw a little blood, and my contractions/surges (which had become a lot more regular over the past weeks) now felt crampy. But they didn’t bother me much, so I went about my day, which included a scheduled checkup at the doctor's office. She told me it could be 72 hours before labor would start, and that their fetal non-stress test hadn't picked up any real contractions, despite the fact that I was watching my belly contort and felt contractions while lying on the table... ugh (I think their machine was broken or put on wrong).

She also told me I was gaining too much weight and should walk around for 3 hours each day. Awesome.

In Korea, doctors believe you should gain a MAXIMUM of 22lbs, compared to U.S. doctors’ recommendation of a MINIMUM of 25lbs and a maximum of 35.

Even if weight was a concern, is 40 weeks really the time to bother about it?

So, I went home feeling frustrated and less hopeful.

The contractions/surges continued throughout the day, though it was hard to have the perspective to know they were getting stronger. And I didn’t want to get my hopes up.

When I was making dinner, the surges were strong enough that I had to stop what I was doing when one came on. They seemed frequent, but irregular, so I stretched out on the couch and started timing them.

They were less than 5 minutes apart.

I still wasn't sure if this was the real deal, but I alerted my doula, who hopped on the subway to go to her office (which is close to my house), where she planned to sleep that night, just in case. Since I could talk through my contractions, she was also not sure when things would really heat up.

She directed me to take a walk and then a bath to relax, which I did. If this were “false” or “practice” labor, this routine would have slowed my contractions. It didn’t: They were about 3-4 minutes apart, and definitely getting stronger.

I had to bend over and lean on a table, counter or the wall each time. Eventually I had to be on my knees leaning over my exercise ball.

Time becomes confusing to me at this point, but Michelle came over, and she and Joe massaged me through about an hour or so of surges before we decided to pick up (the founding doula) Lisa and head to the hospital.

Side note: My room at the birthing center/hospital was awesome. Queen-sized bed, living room area with couches and a coffee table, access to a big tub, and low lighting. Definitely the way to give birth.

Events at the birthing center are a bit of a blur in my memory because I really got into a zone. I was focused.

When we arrived, my doctor told me I was "only 3cm, so we will have to wait," at which I heard Lisa give a little annoyed laugh. I knew I was supposed to think positive and visualize myself opening up, so I thought, "Ignore the doctor. The doctor is wrong." (I actually really like my doctor, but her bedside manner translates as less than encouraging at times…)

Me focused, and with awesome hair.

I labored in the bed for a little while, then spent hours in a big tub of hot water. The heat helped a lot, but it was still an extremely intense several hours. I remember trying to convince myself, "Think of it as pressure—not pain. Pressure." But I had to keep convincing myself. Because, I admit, it hurt.

This may be TMI, but in the tub, my water broke. Dramatically. Apparently it doesn’t usually happen like this, but I felt a strong POP! (I swear I heard it, too, but I could have been imagining) and there was basically a jet pack of water bursting out. Michelle saw it, too. “Whoa!” I said, startled out of my zone, thinking it was rather awesome. (Joe even heard my exclamation from the other room, where he was taking a much-needed middle-of-the-night rest.)

After that, I started feeling more downward pressure with each surge.

We moved to the bed again after my body started the push reflex (based on my Hypnobirthing training, I didn't want to be told to push because human bodies have a natural expulsive reflex that will do it without a person’s conscious help). I really had no choice—my body was pushing for me.

His head was close (they had me touch it!) but my pushing contractions slowed a little bit, so we moved to a little wooden birthing stool where I could be in a supported squat.

After a few contractions on the stool, my baby was definitely progressing, and we could see his head. They put a mirror below for me to watch—before, I would have thought that was kind of gross, but actually, seeing his head and knowing where things stood encouraged me. It helped.

When the head came out—WHOA!! It was so big, I couldn't believe it. One minute it looked small and inside of me, but then suddenly a giant dark-haired head appeared between my legs. Wow. One more push and his body slipped out.

OH. MY. GOODNESS. That was instantly the most relief I have ever felt in my entire life.

It was 5:18am.

The stunned and joyful (and oh-so-attractive) look of a new mother...

"Take your baby!" someone told me, so I reached down and took him from the doctor, holding him to my chest while Joe and my doulas helped me to the bed. I stared and stared at the beautiful little creature in relief and love. My Luca.

When they weighed him, we were shocked: We did not expect such a big baby! He was 4.04kg, or 8lbs 14oz—nearly a 9-pounder.

To the doctor, I said, "No wonder I gained weight last week. It was just my big baby growing!"

And, in my defense, I dropped 16lbs that night alone, and by the following week, I had lost 25. Four weeks in, I’m 5lbs above my pre-pregnancy weight. Thank you, breastfeeding.

I spent that day and the following night recovering in bed, feeding my son and eating seaweed soup (미역국), the food new Korean moms typically eat every meal for an entire month. I believe it is supposed to help restore iron to the mother’s body and help with breastfeeding. Or maybe it is supposed to signify long life for the baby. Either way, I enjoyed it—it’s soothing and delicious—and I will definitely eat it again, in moderation.

Here we are, so happy and so sleepy:

Luca at the Fish Market

Today we braved the outdoors with Luca at Seoul’s fish market, much to the shock and chagrin of all the ahjummas (older Korean ladies) we passed.

“Ohh, too young!” they scolded. Or, “Too hot!” Or, “It’s too loud in here!”

In Korean society, newborns and new moms are not supposed to leave the house for the first 100 days after birth. Joe says it’s based on the olden days, when surviving the first months of life was an accomplishment.

Other Korean post-birth practices include eating seaweed soup every meal for a month and keeping the new mom warm at all times (apparently if she takes a cold shower or gets too cold or eats cold food, her loosened joints will never tighten back up, and she will always ache in the winter).  

...And Korea’s community-based culture means the women will not hesitate to tell us what they believe we are doing wrong.

Today, after the ahjummas accosted us as we entered, Joe quickly decided just to tell inquirers that Luca is 2 or 3 months old (he’s big enough) just to avoid the shocked response to his actual age—2.5 weeks old.

The fish market is a large, covered area of vendors, calling out their wares. Fish swim in tanks, and smaller sea creatures (some very strange and… well, phallic, like that thing in the middle of the picture at right) sit in bins of water, waiting to be bought and eaten.

“Want sashimi?” vendors would ask when they saw my parents and me (they asked Joe in Korean).

Joe bargains for our lunch

We found a clean-looking stall, and Joe ordered some good-looking (live) swimmers and we watched while a man cleaned and filleted them.

They served our lunch upstairs in a restaurant (with air conditioning, thank you very much!). Our two locally-caught fish were, to be honest, a little tough and not quite as tasty as tuna or salmon, but we were there more for the experience, and sashimi doesn't get any fresher than that.

After the raw fish, they served our third fish cooked in a spicy soup.




The best part of the day, though, was the chance for Joe and me to stick our toes into the waters of exploring town with the baby. My parents and I have done a few outings to meet Joe for lunch, see a museum or wander a mall, but the fish market was by far Luca’s most adventurous trip out of our house.

It’s funny, because the whole 100-days-inside rule sometimes makes me doubt my wisdom in wanting to take Luca out and about already—and in my ability to manage it.

But you know, we did really well, despite the fact that Luca had a big, messy stink diaper and also needed me to feed him. No problem; we managed. And we got creative—check out Luca’s little bed in the restaurant (right). Good use of a diaper bag and nursing cover, huh?

Joe and I are a good team, today proved once again. And I'm learning more and more that being a mom doesn’t mean I need to lock myself inside the house.

And now for a bonus picture of Luca in his diaper-bag bed... isn't he adorable??

Welcome, Luca Joseph

Was I really pregnant just two weeks ago?

It’s hard to believe I haven’t known my precious newborn forever—my life seems to gravitate around his, and weird sleep patterns mean my sense of time is distorted. I gaze at him while he eats; I nap or get things done while he sleeps (like now). Luckily for me, my parents are here making sure Joe and I get solid meals (and helping change those poopy diapers!).

At night, every grunt or whimper or coo has me turning over to see if he is ready to eat or ready for a new diaper… or if he has soaked through his diaper and the bassinet sheet. Again.

In short, I am so in love with this little man who has come to change my life.

Luca Joseph Kim arrived on July 10 at 5:18am after 8 hours of drug-free active labor (more on that in another post). He was right on time: His due date was July 9 or 10, and it was the 10th in Korea and the 9th in the U.S. when he made his grand entrance.

He weighed 8lbs 14oz and was about 21 inches long. We were surprised by such a big baby, but then I look back at my 40-week belly picture, and… well, I guess that belly was getting pretty large and in charge.

Luca, a version of Luke, means “bringer of light.” Joe’s parents provided his Korean name: 대근, which means “big root.” We are hoping he will be a solid, grounded man who is a light to those he meets.

We haven’t decided how we’ll spell his Korean name in English, but perhaps Daegan or Daegun. It sounds like “day-gnn” and rhymes with Reagan, if you say Reagan quickly.

I have never experienced a joy quite like holding my son in my arms. I am awed by such a gift from God—and by such a responsibility.

Isn't he the cutest? I think so, but then I'm extremely biased and I've got all these new-mommy love hormones kicking around.

July 4 and Daniel Dae Kim

I’d heard the U.S. Embassy’s National Day event was the biggest national day in town (each embassy has its own—I went to Ireland’s on St. Patrick’s Day, for example, and ours is on Independence Day, of course), so I figured it was worth two hours of standing and braving my swollen ankles.

First of all, yes, it was huge and beautiful with tons of Korean political VIPs. And it was fun to hang out with some other embassy spouses whose husbands or wives were busy escorting those VIPs.

But the evening’s goal became clear once I found out a certain Korean-American VIP was also present: Daniel Dae Kim, of Lost and Hawaii 5-0. Apparently he was some sort of cultural liaison for the embassy… or maybe he just wanted to come.

Either way, with my friend and fellow embassy spouse, I decided I would definitely get a picture with the actor. I’m not big into being star-struck, but why not take the opportunity? So we waited and watched. And when we saw him (see stalker-ish photo above right), we grabbed our moment (and then apologized to him for starting a chain of others also asking for photos).

He was very down-to-earth and nice, actually. I introduced myself and told him I’d just seen an episode of Hawaii 5-0 the other day and enjoyed it (true). I figured he hears enough about Lost.

We chatted for a little while, and he seemed like a normal person, which I appreciated. He was polite and asked questions about my baby—he congratulated me and thought it definitely looked like I was carrying a boy (also true).

In addition to meeting Mr. Kim (No relation to my husband’s family that we know of. In case you don’t know, “Kim” in Korea is like “Smith” in the United States), the evening was fun, despite my swollen ankles. It was great to dress up and hang out with my neighbors, and an excellent diversion from waiting for my baby’s grand entrance!

I also ran into an extremely sweet Deputy Chief of Mission (an embassy’s second in command) I’d met a few months ago at another national day event. He’s from a small country; I’m not sure if I should mention which. But the last time we met, he approached Joe and me out of the blue—we were in the middle of a conversation with someone else and in a food line—just to congratulate me on the baby. He was glowing with excitement for me. He and Joe did exchange cards, but really, he had come up to talk to me. It kind of made my night.

But last night, we saw him again and chatted for a few minutes. What stuck out this time was that, as we were saying goodbye, he said, “Congratulations on your independence.”

Whoa.

I’ve always celebrated July 4 with barbeques and fireworks, but I never thought about Independence Day as a reason to congratulate Americans. It genuinely is something to be proud of even today, despite the fact that the U.S. declared its independence more than 200 years ago. Sometimes it takes a tiny little offhand comment from another person’s point of view to make me remember to appreciate what I have.

So, congratulations, Americans. Be proud of your independence. Happy July 4!

Waiting for my Life to Change

It’s rare to know an event is about to happen that will completely change your life. Even more rare: Knowing a life-changing event will happen any day… but yet not knowing which day.

A baby can safely arrive anywhere from 37 to 42-ish weeks into pregnancy (estimated due dates are 40 weeks). At 39 weeks, I’m feeling ready to go. The car seat is installed; the nursery is done; our hospital bag is packed. And—if you haven’t seen my belly—yeah, it looks ready to pop. Is it weird that I’m excited for labor to start? Well, I am.

Here are a few things I’ve learned while waiting for my world to change (I wish they were deep life lessons, but unfortunately I’m not great at waiting—see point #4—so these are mostly shallow):

1. Male strangers feel compelled to have a reaction to very pregnant women.

Some good, some bad.

For example, a few weeks ago as I was swimming, a military guy treading water for his workout joked that I needed to work on my abs (Ha. Ha. Ha.). But he went on to tell me how helpful his wife found swimming when she was pregnant, and he was all-around encouraging and happy for me.

Then last week while waiting for an oil change on base, a couple of Army officers—one with NINE children, the other with three—told me all about their experience as fathers. Very sweet.

On the other hand, as I paid the cashier, the manager (I assume) came out from his office and said, “Woah! You should be lying down at home!” And, this is something I’ve heard multiple times: “I am so glad I am not a woman!”

My typical response to this, more for my own benefit than theirs: “But you don’t get to feel a baby moving around in your belly, and that is the most amazing thing!”

I even had one Korean man in a base store look at my belly and shake in mock-fear. “Oh!!” he said. “Ohh! So painful!”

Thanks, dude.

My response, again, more for myself: “Actually, it’s going to be great! I’m practicing being very relaxed so it won’t be bad.”

2. Some Koreans don’t like or don’t understand American maternity clothes.

I get some funny looks when I’m out. I get some for just being foreign and blonde, I’m sure, but it seems the belly really attracts the eye. It took a visit to Joe’s grandma to understand why. I was wearing a coral sleeveless maternity shirt and a skirt. Oh, I have a picture:

Anyway, she asked Joe, “Don’t Americans have maternity clothes?”

She thought I should be wearing one of the big tent dresses Korean pregnant women often wear (if you even see Korean pregnant women out and about, which is kind of rare).

I tried to explain that there was plenty of extra material the way the shirt is designed, and that these kinds of maternity clothes look better on me than a tent-dress.

Well, the next time I saw her I wore the dress pictured at left, which hangs loose. But she asked the same question once again. Sigh. I can’t win.

3. Everyone has a theory for how to induce labor.

Walk up hills. Do lots of squats. Eat spicy food. Walk a lot. Bounce on an exercise ball. (And, of course, the PG-13 techniques I won’t detail here).

4. Patience is not my forte, particularly when it involves being alone.

I’m really excited to meet my son. Yes, I’m also ready for the feeling to return to my right hand’s fingers and for my feet and ankles to go back to their normal size, but I mostly just can’t believe a little person is going to make his entry into my world, someone who looks like me and like Joe. I can’t wait to see Joe as a dad. I’m thrilled to learn what it is to be a mom.

Plus, this first tour in State Department is my experiment in being a stay-at-home mom… but so far, I’ve been a stay-at-home person. If you know me, you will know that this is not particularly in keeping with my personality. My 11-week Korean language course gave me out-of-the-house purpose for a little while, but mostly I’ve been taking care of the homestead.

Some days I’m great at waiting: I swim and read and do laundry and make creative popsicles and go for walks and (sometimes) visit neighbors. It’s great! Other days, I do the same exact things… but the day ends and I’m drained.

A couple months ago, I scored a part-time freelance editing gig for a Korean tourism website… that is, until I learned that U.S. diplomatic spouses aren’t allowed to freelance on the Korean economy (anyone know of freelance editing jobs at U.S. companies??), so I had to turn it down.

I realize that hiccup is probably a gift—a chance to really give stay-at-home-mothering a chance like I planned. And I know I will be extremely busy once the baby is born… but, well, I am not very good at the long view when I’m at home so often and when it seems like my son will never arrive. I know that’s silly, but it’s true!

So, come on, little son! I'm so ready to meet you!

The Real Life Wicked

Last weekend, Joe and I went to see one of my favorite Broadway shows, Wicked.

But first—here’s my belly at 35 weeks, defying gravity.

The performance was awesome, just as it was when my sweet husband took me to the New York version for my birthday a few years ago, with two main differences: the Korean subtitles and our very close proximity to North Korea.

The stage where we watched the Wizard, Madame Morrible and Glinda manipulate the masses of Oz is just a few miles south of a country where propaganda, prison camps and a dictator rule. Where a person is worshiped as god. Where the extreme political storyline of Wicked is not at all far-fetched.

Was this awareness as poignant for the Koreans in the seats around us?

To me, the show became less an entertaining musical take on one of America’s bedrock cultural films and more a statement, or a warning. Wicked portrays a weak man drunk with power who will use and abuse others to keep it—and will make those others enemies of the state if they refuse to help. He creates a façade of frightening grandeur to comfort those under his power into thinking he can care for them, and to scare them away from questioning.

When I read the novel Wicked and saw the show on Broadway, of course these themes stood out as a cautionary tale of where human politics can stray. But this time, Joe and I couldn’t help but think: This is happening now, and not far from here.

My other (slightly more shallow) question for the Korean viewers around me was this: Have you all seen The Wizard of Oz? Did Wicked make sense to you? There are definitely segments of the play and major plot points that would make no sense without mentally filling in those classic Judy Garland scenes.

The subtitles were an interesting addition—particularly because I kept looking over to see how they were translating the songs and whether or not I could understand any of the green letters on the screen (I could understand some!). They did use a lot of Konglish—which, as you may know from my previous post, I love translating.

Often, a large swath of the audience laughed just a beat before the actors got to the punch line. I wonder how disorienting that was for the actors.

But the excitement certainly translated just fine, because people were lining up near any Wicked sign or paraphernalia to take photos before the show and during intermission. Before the show, we laughed about how we’d never seen that in the U.S.

…But during intermission, we decided to follow suit and joined a short line to stand by Glinda.

Hey, if everyone else is doing it…